The Pressure to Perform
The Pressure to Perform
A quick note after a long appointment with a speech therapist
I just got back from an appointment with a speech therapist in St George, where I discovered that I have bowed out, weak vocal chords. My therapist said she thought that the ENT who sent over my information and diagnosis over must have had something mixed up because she has NEVER seen this issue in someone my age before; It is a problem that she sees in older patients, but she says I am an anomaly—so, I guess at least I’m unique? At 34, I’m having to relearn how to use my voice because, apparently, I have multiple issues, including, but not limited to: using my false vocal folds to phonate instead of my actual vocal chords, severe muscle tension (I have what’s called muscle tension dysphonia), chronic throat clearing, and misuse of air flow.
I’ve been singing my whole life. I was music “sterling scholar” in my high school, I have my bachelors in choral education and graduated suma cum laude from my class. I have taken vocal pedagogy courses, I have taught choirs, directed and performed in several musicals, and I’m even a sought after voice teacher who knows how to teach people to phonate in a healthy, tension free way. It doesn’t make sense that with all of this experience and knowledge, I’d be using my voice incorrectly. Except it does. I know exactly how this happened.
It came about as a result of me needing to have control and produce results, despite not having the foundation I needed to sing in an authentic and healthy way. It came because of teachers who would look away from me if I ever made a mistake. It came from trying to please professors who wanted a choral sound and then a straight tone jazz sound and then a belty sound and then a classical sound—but with no instruction on how to safely sing in each of those styles. It came because of grades, and juries, and a constant pressure to perform. I found a way to get the sound I thought other people wanted from me—I did it with a mind-over-matter, “just muscle through it” mentality—and I hurt myself in the process.
This isn’t the first time I’ve muscled through something (to my own detriment) in an effort to prove myself. I would guess that you have your own stories of pushing yourself too hard, ignoring your body’s cues, and shoving down your perceived shortcomings, in order to be seen in a certain light by others.
The pressure to perform is ubiquitous in our culture. We find it in our schools, our work places, social media, even in our families and homes. Everything is measured —by how busy you are, how many likes and followers you have, how big your boobs are, how small your waist is, how talented you are, how high is your IQ, how pretty are your pictures, how clean is your house, how much money do you have, etc. etc. etc. Everyone is lined up next to everyone else to be meted and measured, graded and compared—and ALL of us are found lacking in one way or another. We are fed the idea that the true measure of our worth is how well and how often we perform for others. And I think this lie is killing our creativity, severing connection and intimacy, making our stress levels completely unmanageable, heightening the horrible effects of consumerism, and honestly…this may feel a bit melodramatic, but I think this pressure to perform—to “prove” ourselves— is going to be the thing that destroys us—unless we make some significant and lasting changes to the way we measure success and live our lives.
And now, MY body is telling me it needs to take a break from screens, so that’s all you get from me today, but I may revisit this topic in the future.
Has the pressure to perform mostly helped or hindered you in your life? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments!