Shame Spiral

I heard somewhere that the best way to process shame is to talk about it. Also, I watched “It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood” for the first time the other night (fabulous movie), and in it, Mr. Rogers says “What’s mentionable is manageable.”

So I’m using this post to mention and manage and process some things.

I had a shame spiral this morning about something that most people might view as trivial—my husband got upset because I used a thumbtack to hang a calendar in the wall instead of asking him to hang it “the proper way” (I, admittedly, don’t know what that is).

It’s not like he yelled at me or went out of his way to call me names or demean me in anyway…he was just annoyed that I put multiple holes in the wall using a thumbtack that wasn’t working, and he probably handled the annoyance he felt very well—but the shame I felt was IMMENSE and I’ve been thinking about it all day.

I think I feel a lot of shame when it comes to showing up and interacting with my physical surroundings. I think I always have. I am a very introspective person and I have created a rich and beautiful world inside of my head (where I tend to live most of my life)…. but I often can’t seem to make my outer world match my inner reality.

In my head I am kind and intelligent and perceptive and wise and beautiful and all good things.

In real life, I am often forgetful, inconsiderate, unobservant, easily distracted, and even thoughtless. I have never been someone who cares a large amount about material possessions, taking good care of “stuff”, or even my own physical appearance. That is just not the world I care to spend most of my time in. The “things” I care about are good conversations, learning new things, connecting on a deep personal level with others, and expressing my inner world through art and music and writing.

The problem is, no matter how rich my inner life is—no matter who I view myself to be—we live in a physical world, and, naturally, we often judge each other based on how we show up in that world. And THIS is where I carry so much of my shame and feel like I must be defective somehow.

My sense of direction is notoriously horrible, I constantly forget where I put my keys and my phone, I sometimes get out of the shower only to have my husband point out that I didn’t wash the shampoo out of my hair; I don’t care about how I dress or makeup or doing my hair (but have had to learn how to present as if I care about these things in order to find and maintain relationships); My handwriting is messy at best and illegible at worst, and even the way I hold my pencil is awkward and tense. Driving is often a stressful experience for me because it requires me to be hyper aware of my surroundings in a way that just doesn’t come naturally to me, and I have put more dings into vehicles than I care to count. I struggle to remember names and faces and remembering birthdays and then going through the extra effort of doing something to CELEBRATE that person on their birthday feels almost impossible to me. In fact, remembering anything at all is often a struggle for me.

In my mind I am a good person who wants to be considerate of other people and my surroundings—but over and over again throughout my life I have felt annoyance or even anger from people that I deeply care about because I do something (or don’t do something) that exposes me as a thoughtless, lazy, inconsiderate, or even down right rude person. And the shame hits in huge tidal waves, because I really MUST be all of those things, otherwise I would have done the thing that proves otherwise or at the VERY LEAST I would be able to pay more attention and be more considerate next time. But the thing is…. paying attention to the things that most people seem to be able to pay attention to, often just doesn’t feel like an option to me—no matter how much I whish I could.

As I’m writing all of this, it feels glaringly obvious that this shame is inexorably intertwined with my ADHD. I only got diagnosed last year, and it is mind-boggling to me to keep discovering how seemingly every facet of my reality is affected by my “neuro-spiciness".

I heard on a podcast today that while guilt is a feeling you get when you feel bad about something you DID, while shame is when you feel bad about who you ARE. So here’s the thing… how are neuro-divergent people supposed to let go of their shame in a world built for neuro-typical people? Because,

according to this world, there IS something wrong with the way we are.

I think that’s why I started my podcast “Just Be Your Bad Self”—even though at the time I had no clue that I had ADHD. I just want to believe that people are worthy of love for who they are—even when they don’t DO all the the right things. But, man, it’s hard to maintain that belief in this world that values “doing” above all else.

I guess the way to start is by choosing to love myself—even when I don’t do all the things I think I should.

So…Kimber, I love you. I see you for who you are—not just for what you do (or don’t do), and I love you.

And to you—the person reading this right now—I love you, too. For who you ARE—which is SO MUCH MORE than what you do (or don’t do).

Thanks for letting me speak my shame to you—I DO feel better. Maybe you do too.

All my love,

Kimber